CatieOsborn.Com

Well… I made it!

After  months of waiting and planning, I am in England. Hopefully you didn’t miss me too much. England is fantastic, and filled with very nice people.  I think. I still haven’t worked out some of the terminology around here, so I might be getting insulted, but when it’s in such a charming accent, I don’t really mind either way.

 On my first day here, we heard gunshots.  Our tour guide explained that we had nothing to worry about, and that it was just the farmers scaring off birds from the fields. She then told us that Ormskirk, the town I am staying in, has the lowest crime rate of any English city. However, if anyone wants to stab anyone with plastic knives, I can tell you exactly where to find them.

I never thought unpacking would involve so much effort. Around our house, the biggest problem was hangers. No one in town sold hangers, and no one had thought to pack them.  Enter Catie. We were on a trip to Wales (which was awesome as well), and we, being the girls of the group, stopped at a store  to shop for important historical artifacts. Meaning we wanted new purses . The lady at the counter was delighted by  my accent (It’s so cool to be the one with the funny accent) and we struck up a conversation about how we had just arrived and were still unpacking. Then she popped into the back and came out with a GIANT bag of hangers and told me to take them, as she wasn’t using them.  So I lugged 20 pounds of hangers around Wales for the day, but in the end, we all got our hangers.  I am a hero.

I’ve met some amazing people already, and the American students I am on the program with all deserve to have columns of their own. Never before have I been exposed to such varied personalities, backgrounds and cultural differences, but we are already one big family… a family who just happens to visit the local pub more than twice a day. Just kidding, Mom.  

There are some interesting cultural differences. Lemonade has carbonation, spell check keeps telling me I’ve spelled things wrong,  cars tend to keep having to swerve to avoid me (look RIGHT first!!) and the “@” symbol is reversed with the quotation marks on the keyboard. Somehow though, I think I will survive.

There have been some major issues with getting access to the internet, but it’s all sorted out now and I will continue writing for as long as the paper is willing to put up with me.  I do have a new website as well, which is a travel blog where you can keep updated on my adventures in England. Find it at http://2girls1adventure.wordpress.com

Cheerio!

I have an important announcement to make. It is with great humility and respect for this fine country of ours that I happily accept my own personal nomination, for myself, to be President of the United States Of America. We’re not going to mess with tedious elections and party nominations. Straight to the top!

I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided that it’s probably in your—my fellow American’s— best interest to vote for me in the upcoming election. Here’s why.

I ran many committees and meetings in high school, and, as anyone who has ever dealt with high school drama knows, it is far more serious then anything the world stage may have to offer. I also play tons of Sim City.

In addition to my vast experiences in leadership, I am well versed in foreign policy. I feel that any problem can be delt with rationally, civily and with respect. If not, I will merely implement my “Monday Night Pudding Wrestling/Mart Kart Tournament At The United Nations” approach. Loser has to take care of the ozone for a week.

Plus, I am great with dealing with difficult, unpredictable and crazy dictators…I mean, anyone living with my mother would be an expert by now.

I also have a Facebook. That means instead of dealing with the copious chore of digging through my past to find embarrassing and potentially career-ruining photos, I will save the hoards of reporters who will following me energy and fuel emissions by allowing them unlimited access to all of my pictures from freshman year.

I am great with balancing a budget. Okay, that’s a lie, but my dad isn’t really busy these days, and I could totally get him to do it.

Sorry about the lie.

In my America, no child will be left behind, Instead, children will ride the backs of magical winged unicorns to school and delicious cotton candy clouds will rain down sherbet gumdrops into the chocolate rivers. Pants will always be optional and those without shirts or shoes will not be discriminated against when searching for service any longer.

I am a firm believer in helping fix our nation’s problems. Under my reign, I will distribute one free roll of duct tape to every citizen and institute a 10 minute or less wait time on the phone with customer service.

I will lower our nation’s dependency on foreign oil, and instead push for French fry cars, thusly improving the air quality. Because who doesn’t want to live in a country that perpetually smells like French fries? As for gun control, I feel that instead of restricting guns, we can simply compromise, and legalize the right to punch people in the face.

I will do my best to boost our economy by making it Christmas, every day except Tuesdays. Tuesdays are the day after Thanksgiving.

I have already chosen Chuck Norris as my running mate, Batman my Secretary of State and Jesus my co-pilot. I have no illegitimate children, mistresses or interns. I often assist old people in crossing the street, and I kiss babies while shaking hands with people and squeezing firmly but not giving them a “death grip”. I can read, have a valid driver’s license and can honestly name all the past presidents. In song. I look really good standing by a podium and even better in front of a flag. I can wave really, really well. I also look good on t-shirts and coffee mugs. I can nod seriously and use hand gestures for emphasis with great skill.

Vote for me, America.

Please? I don’t want to have to get a real job.