Posted in May 2009

Advice To My Future Boyfriend/Advice To Myself.

Do not pat my head or tickle my sides or try and take the blanket back
just bring me water and play hushabye mountain
and like what I like, except if you don’t in which case I’ll respect your opinions and agree to disagree.
Go out with your friends and enjoy it because I don’t own you but if you miss me come home or invite me because I want to like your friends.
Play an instrument (or try to) and believe in something bigger that yourself
and know precisely what I mean when I say “perfect blue”.
Love kung-foo and explosions and extra points for at the same time and have a favorite super hero
but be prepared to answer a thosand hypothetical what ifs and if you choose a shotgun over a machete, its over.
Like Dickens and Fforde but know that I like making up stories more than I like reading them, especially if you help.
Know how to cook but let me do it for you and like what I don’t so we don’t waste food. Appreciate that it might not look the greatest but it always tastes good, I promise.
Music is debatable but you must hate rap and if you want to teach me something usefull, that’s cool too.
Let yourself go once a week and get used to purple hair because I kind of like it this way.
Gently take the fork away and kiss me on the forehead and hug me when you do not have to, just to feel me near you.
Snuggle.
You don’t need to save me or vastly improve the quality of my life, but if you try, it will be appreciated, and it might just work.
Want adventures and believe in change and spend a lot of time looking at the stars.
Love baseball and like a team, preferably mine, but you don’t have to pretend if you like the Yankees.
Try and like showtunes because I promise they won’t turn you gay and maybe come to a show or two.
Love to drive and know American Pie and appreciate good beer and Chuck Taylors.
Agree to grow older but never grow up and jump in puddles and indulge in a daily shenanigan.
Listen to the stories children tell you and want to have a dog, know how to change a tire and the value of good cook ware.
If you can sing that ‘s great but if not, do it anyway and remember I like my coffee sweet and light and my chocolate dark and bitter.
Visit your family whenever you miss them and appreciate the finer points of waffles, namely that they can be eaten at all hours and they go well with omlettes, especially when debating literature or watching old movies.
Promise to try and promise to talk, but know that sometimes I just like to sit.
If in the end you think it’s not working end it swiftly and sweetly and let’s still be friends.
Consider piracy as a career but in the end decide against it.
Be funny (it’s okay if you aren’t, I’ll still laugh anyway) especially at awkward times.
Understand that i will fast forward to the good parts and that if Han or Inigo are talking, you aren’t. Agree to try anything once and camping twice (just in case it rains).
be outgoing and optimisitic and if not have a good reason why. Get angry if you have to and stick up for what’s right.
Go with the flow and know that
I don’t cry much but if I do I mean it
and that sometimes I feel too much and think too hard, but that’s just who I am
and if you can do that,
I think it’ll work out just fine.

Advice to Myself:

Catie–
It’d be better if you accept right now that not everyone knows who Nicholas Nickleby is or has a deep emotional connection to Fagin.
Not having seen Newsies or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is not a reason not to date someone but stick to your guns when it comes to facial hair.
Forget the mistakes you’ve made in the past, we’ve all done stupid shit and 10 years is long enough to punish yourself, don’t you think?
Blame yourself when you should and say no more often and it’s okay to get mad once in awhile.
Baked goods are not currency and every so often you could remember to pick up your shit but knowing your weaknesses is good for the soul.
Lend only the things you can bear to lose but give all of your heart without reservation and a second chance should come free with purchase but after three comes a reevaluation of the contract.
Pay attention to what’s being said but more importantly what’s not. Remember assumptions make you foolish and foolhardy and that’s what gets you hurt.
Take risks because you never know what might come out of it but be willing to accept the consequences, because not everyone thinks like you.
Use words and actions to express emotion and don’t be afraid to wear them on your sleeve because at least you’ll know where to find your heart when it comes time to give it away.
Once a day consider the possibility that you might be attractive and accept compliments without rolling your eyes twice weekly.
Learn something new every week then stick with it, except juggling and when you master that go to the mall and buy something nice.
Be patient and willing to admit failure but never defeat.
Smile often and furrow less, unless its in the garden in which case that’s acceptable because its an exercise in tenderness.
Accept apologies but be wary of falling into the ruts you’ve carved time and time again.
Share your passions but embrace new ideas, and in the end does it really matter if he knows On The Street Where You Live?
Live by your creed and refuse to compromise when it comes to love, adventure or hope.
Keep your belief in good strong and your strength up for when the zombies finally arrive.
Thank those who deserve it and sometimes those who don’t but when you get exhausted from being nice all the time it’s an indication you’ve been walked all over, so pick yourself up and stand up for yourself.
At this point in your life it’s probably too late to become a pirate but hold out for your red 57 Chevy.
Accept who you are without hesitation and with that will come the understanding that maybe he likes you for you and not for the facade you’ve so clevery created over the years to hide your every insecurity,
because maybe in the end it was you after all, and believing that is where everything starts.

A Story I Wrote In The Chinese Buffet While I Waited For The Donuts To Come Out.

They were out of Chinese donuts, which are clearly the best part of the buffet. So I stood there with my little notebook at wrote this story while I was waiting. I may or may not add on to it. Depending on how long the sweet and sour chicken takes next time.
__________________________

Understanding my tendency to underestimate and overexaggerate, it seems only appropriate that I pause here to say that this story, above all else, is not entirely honest. I suppose if I fess up to it early enough, by the end you may just start to believe me when I tell you that I am a master of deceit. Which really shouldn’t suprize you–my advice is to never trust the omnipotent because I promise you the power has gone to our heads.

It is in this mindset that I begin my tale. To start, it began in a tiny village in a tiny house in a country no one has ever bothered to hear of. This much is true. Well, I suppose “tiny” is relative but I assure you that no more than two people could fit inside comfortably, but at the begining (where we are now), only one person occupied this particular residence and lived a comfortable, although cramped, life.

This is how my story begins. A fellow can live alone for a great majority of his life, but it is a solemn truth that eventually, one’s heart starts to search for its missing half. Unfortunately for Mr. William Jonathan, he had attributed these pangs to last night’s dinner and gone about his buisness for quite some time. And so, on November 27th at 2:27 in the afternoon, William’s heart decided to do the searching without him.

It is important that I pause once more to say that William Jonathan was an extraordinary fellow. Despite the fact that he had two first names, he had managed to grow up to become a widely respected (and greatly admired) citizen of the village. He was not unattractive in the least. Most girls in the village would agree that William was quite handsome. (This becomes important later on).

However, an unfortuanate thing to be noted about our friend William is that aside from a passing glance in the pitted glass of his father’s shop to perhaps check and see if his hair was not entirely mussed, William had no idea how truly remarkable he was. And so, he went through the mundanities of life, never stopping for a moment to realized he was destined for something far greater. Luckily for us, he was about to.

Not but three days after William’s heart made such a bold decision on behalf of its host, William began experiencing great Pains Of The Heart. And not but four hours after those pains began, William Jonathan was dead.

This is not entirely honest.

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