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Apr 14 2012
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Processing Blessings

I think at this point we can all agree I have a pretty good track record of strange and odd things happening to me.

However.
Today was a day that started normal and has ended with me writing this on my phone in a desperate attempt to process WTF just happened today.

So. Went to work, left early as I was headed to Chicago for my awesome Uncle Tim’s wedding. Worked on some monologes and stuff in the car, put together a few ideas for Complete Works, ate French fries, whatever.

So then I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize. I answer. The conversation goes something like this:

Me: Hello?
Phone: Hi, is this Catie?
Me: Yes?
Phone: Hi, this is Geneva Shakespeare, you had submitted your resume and head shot to us awhile ago?
Me: Oh, yeah, that was me!
Phone: I’m calling because I am looking for a Laertes for our non-gender specific production of Hamlet, and you’ve got a really impressive resume-  I see that you’ve already got experience with the show, would you be able to come in and discuss it further with us?
Me: …..beuhsjakdhavdjHa say wha?

So…we talked. A lot. And while it doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to accept the role because of financial reasons/I can’t move to Geneva a month before I’m supposed to direct a show…that still happened. Someone called and wanted me.

Not only that but it looks like they are excited to talk about working together with Prenzie to do a Shakespeare festival or something, which could lead to bigger and more awesome things for both of our companies. Who knows. It might happen, it might not, but out of nowhere to get a call that could change so much is neat.

Then I checked my email. “One new comment on your blog!”
said the cheery email notification.”Well I wonder who commented”, said I.

Click.

Oh, no big deal. Another guy who is directing Titus had a comment.

Click.

Oh, he’s directing Titus for the second time, that’s neat. He must be a fan.

Click.

Oh. He’s directing Titus. At the World Shakespeare Fest.

……fuck.me.

Now, I understand that the internet is a magical place where 24 year old idiots can be found by people directing Shakespeare at World Shakespeare Festivals. I know that. It’s the magic of Google. But still, you guys.

Seriously?

So, I obviously did the mature and reasonable thing and wrote him a cordial note congratulating him on his sucess and went in with my day.

Just kidding, I cried.

Well, I sent him an email and THEN cried, but it may or may not have included a “in case you need me” section.

Absolutely dumb and ridiculous. I know. But.

Here’s why I did it, as silly and juvenile as it may have been.

I’m not a hippie. I don’t really believe in fate or destiny or whatever. I just believe in working hard and doing what you love and I firmly believe that if you do that, eventually, the fates I don’t believe in will align and good things will happen.

Recently, I have realized that my heart feels weird. I feel torn between these two ideals that I have for myself, that of staying in the QC, establishing myself and being awesome here at home. There is another part of me, however, that is desperate to get out and move and do all the things I’ve been talking about doing for so long. Auditioning. Writing. Whatever.

I’m happy in the QC, don’t get me wrong. But then some guy directing a show at the goddamn World Shakespeare Fest emails me out of the blue and suddenly I’m reminded of how much there is out there and how badly I want to be a part of it.

Do I think I’m going to get a call tomorrow saying that “our Lavinia broke her leg and you, Catie, actress from the Quad Cities whom I’ve never met- you- you are the ONLY one that can fly to England and save our show”?

No, that’s ridiculous. (Okay. Maybe a little bit).

And I think I cried because, in some weird and totally lame way, I’m just….happy for that guy and his cast. I can’t imagine what that must be like, preparing to take your vision and your characters onto an international stage, doing it because you absolutely love it? It’s awe-inspiring just to think about.

His blog is also pretty sweet if you want to check it out.

http://titus2012.wordpress.com/

But things are happening. I can feel it. I have realized that I’m not content to be content NOT doing what I love because it’s easy to excuse as a pipe dream and this is something I have to do. Most of the things I do come easy. It’s always been like that. Acting? Acting is work. Hot, stressful, sweaty, back-breaking, arm bruising, soul expanding heart wrenching work.

And goddamn. Do I fucking love it.

So, I dunno. That’s it, really. I think I just made my choice. I think….I’m going to have to try this.

So, thanks, random strangers.
I appreciate the help.

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Apr 13 2012
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Why I Suck At Skyrim

So, it finally happened.

After an exhausting “four” month (read: one and a half years prep + 4 months actual rehearsal) process, Titus is finally over and we’re all (slowly) starting to move on with our lives.

Not only has Titus passed, the “Skyrim Ban” has finally lifted.  During the show, a cast-wide embargo on Skyrim was put in place, and I was amazed at how many people actually stuck to their word. We didn’t even have a functioning PlayStation during the run, so not only did we not have access to video games, Netflix was also right out. I feel like it made us more productive, notwithstanding our Godzilla marathon.

We’ve only got one more Godzilla movie to go before we’ve completed the entire Toho Kingdom Compendium of Godzilla Movies. Meaning that Jake is either going to have to propose or break up with me, because we’re either going to never talk about this again or start over so we can start a website and REVIEW ALL THE TOHOS! Including the rare ones that I went through highly-questionable means to get for Jake to complete his collection.

Anyway,this week, Jake finally cracked and bought a new PS3 to replace our dearly departed and picked up a copy of Skyrim to boot. I’ve been watching him play all week, and I’ve tried the game myself, but I’ll be honest and say that I don’t have the personality to deal with it.

Here’s what I figured out.

I get shit done, and I get it done quick. You want a toe? I can get you a toe. You need someone to memorize an entire script by tomorrow afternoon? No worries. Theatre is my job, whether or not it be my “paying” gig of the moment, and I am wired for efficiency. I can’t keep my house or my car clean, but if you forget your blocking, I wrote it down for you, just in case.

This is why I can’t deal with Skyrim. There’s absolutely no efficiency to the process. Jake has been wandering around Mount Doom or whatever for about four hours now and absolutely nothing has happened.

(Jake is insisting here that I tell you that he’s not only killed a Dragon today, but has also killed a Giant and he is only a level 9). So…there’s that.

Now, here, you say “But Catie, you’re clearly just a fan of side scrollers, why don’t you stop whining?” And it’s true– I love me some side scrollers– but Dead Space still remains one of my favorite games. (Although, Dead Space did have the Magic Guiding Light to guide you to your next task…), and I’ve played the hell out of many other free-roam games…I just never finish them. I want there to be an efficiency to my questing.

“But Catie” (you say) “The journey to the end of the quest is what it’s all about!”

My response, of course, would be : Shut up,  nerd. If I have to walk the hell across Skyrim to give some asshole a letter so he can send me right back where I came from so I can go climb a mountain to fight a dragon so I can move on with my quest….he can do it himself. What else is he doing, anyway, besides reciting three arbitrary lines of dialogue every time I bump into him?

Anyway, boyfriend interjections aside, I just don’t get it. The game itself is beautiful. The world is expansive and detailed to a point of ridiculousness. But all I want to do is make friends, and whenever I try to play, people try to stab me in the face with arrows. Plus, I have a guilt complex about killing dragons because I listened to a lot of Peter Paul and Mary as a kid and I feel like they KNOW.

I think a great deal of it has to do with attention span. I am absolutely impatient unless I’m passionate about what I’m waiting for. I’ll go through weeks of rehearsal and dwell on a four-line speech, but give me a controller and an open world with no direct option to get to point B and I will go berserk in 10 minutes. I’ve never finished a Legend of Zelda game. There. I said it. I get about 1/3 of the way through and just get bored. I promised Jake that this summer I would finish Ocarina of Time. I started it last year,but life and shows and not understanding why the
@#$%(*#$$# HORSE WON’T JUST COME OVER HERE got in the way.

I’m determined to finish it. I think it will be a good exercise in patience. And understanding. And not throwing controllers. Not that I’ve done that.

What I need to do is go memorize my lines for Hamlet, but this is so much easier and less Hamlet-y.

I don’t think Hamlet would like Skyrim either. There. I just did character research.

Blogging==justified.

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Apr 10 2012
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And Now, For Something Completely Different

My blog software just told me that this is my 100th post on my blog–I meant for this to be some sort of intelligent and interesting trek back through time, but then I thought, well…why not just make a bunch of testicle jokes instead?

So today I was super excited to find a message in my inbox from my awesomely talented friend Andrew asking if I might find it in my heart to write him a short monologue for a big audition he has coming up.

I love writing monologues. I’ve written a few for friends before, but today’s was a particularly interesting challenge as the audition required it to be a “non-fiction” piece.

Andrew requested it be about juggling.

Seeing as the show is about Oscar Wilde (who I am a huge fan of), I decided that really the only way to do him justice would be to be…Wildly (sorry) inappropriate.

I’m a little out of practice, but I thought I did pretty well for twenty minutes of writing on a Tuesday after a strike!

How to Juggle (Or, 2 Minutes to Over-kill)
By Catie Osborn

So you’d like to learn how to juggle. Congratulations, dear reader. You have taken your first steps into becoming the life of every party you may find yourself attending from now until the day you find yourself uninterested in attending parties, or dead. Should a party not be available to you, the techniques and skills outlined in this article can still be used to entertain yourself privately for hours on end.

The basic three ball juggle can be learned by most people in a short amount of time… maybe half an hour with help from a good teacher or perhaps a few days on your own. Go through these instructions at your own pace. Before you try each step, relax and visualize what you want to happen. With a little practice and patience, juggling will become easy.

Before you start, it’s important to accept that dropping is inevitable. Work on your technique first and worry about catching anything later. Many people find that juggling over a bed saves a lot of time and energy in picking up dropped balls.

The first and most important thing to learn is to throw and catch a single ball—we will move on quickly, dear reader, because if you can’t manage one, an additional two in your hands may prove disastrous.

When you are confident with your grip (and catching technique), you’re now ready for two balls. Hold one ball in each hand. Throw one of the balls up and across—Each of your hands should receive a ball at the culmination of each throw. Throw, throw, catch, catch.

Spend a few minutes throwing your pair back and forth, right to left and left to right. Each time, try to keep them at eye level or above—one might picture the balls hanging in the air above them—your hands are merely there to keep them from hitting the floor. Practice until this move is smooth and easy. Congratulations! You’ve learned the basic move needed for juggling!

Remember here to take a pause in between throws. “Juggling” works best when done relaxed and slowly.

Finally, when you’re ready, move on to three. Do not be intimidated, dear reader—the three ball juggle is identical to what we’ve just learned—think of the third ball as an additional guest, deserving of as much attention as your other two.

Begin by simply holding the balls to adjust to the feeling of three, placing 2 in the hand that you want to start with and 1 in the other hand. It should be a comfortable feeling. Then, simply toss as you’ve previously learned, adding the third ball directly behind your 2nd toss.

If you are having trouble catching the balls, think about where you are throwing them. The most common problem for beginners is throwing too far out in front of you. To cure this problem, try to keep your balls in front of your face. It may help to juggle in a confined area, such as a closet or out-of-the way room so as to minimize distractions.

With practice, you may even be able to add two sets of balls into your daily practice routine! As you practice, Remember, dear reader, that dropped balls happen. Simply dust them off and try, try again.

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Apr 09 2012
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First Time Memories

On Friday, a bunch of people I work with came to see the show, which I thought was really cool of them. I haven’t been working in my office very long, but they still made the effort to see my show, and that meant a lot to me.

Today, one of the guys who came to see the show told me that his wife REALLY  liked the show– and that she had never been to a play before, ever. Apparently, she liked it so much that she’s basically been raving about the show all weekend, and even more, she asked him to ask me what shows are coming up next– because she wants to come back and is excited to see more theatre.

On top of all of that, two other people in that same group told me that they signed up for acting lessons this weekend– because (and I quote) “they’d like to have a shot at being a Prenzie Player some day”.

That, my friends….is success.

When I was still in high school, I came to see the Prenzie Player’s production of “Othello”. I wish that I had more concrete memories of the show– I only remember Othello talking to me in the audience, thinking it was incredible that the Prenzies were using BDU’s to represent members of the millitary and that Maggie was really awesome.

What I do remember, more than anything else, was the feeling I had at the end of the show. I was so excited to see theatre that wasn’t stiff and dry and boring. I had been moved, I’d been scared and sad and excited and I even vaguely knew what the actors were saying— and I remember,very specifically, that I turned to my mom and said “I want to work with these people”.

And now, I do.

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Apr 08 2012
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Nikki (Guest Post)

So our beautiful and talented stage manager Nikki posted this on her Facebook the other day and I feel like it is too wonderful not to share here.

I’m probably going to be much too shy to say this tonight. But it has been a long time since I have been surrounded by so many beautiful and amazing people at once. Titus has been an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, in the best of ways, and I’m going to be so sad when it’s over tonight.

I don’t know if it’s like this with every show you do (I know of the two others I have done, only one of them was), but it seems as if we have created a separate world. All of us invested ourselves so wholeheartedly in it and believed and cared so much for our characters that reality seemed to split, and something forged of the group as a whole was born. It was beautiful and it was horrible, and it was just what it needed to be. So much that (and maybe I should speak for myself here) it hardly mattered if anyone else liked it. Sure, it was a goal to take the audience into that universe, but for me it was understood that no matter how well we portrayed it, they could never be a part of it the way we were.

Even for me, someone who was on the fringes of the play, I was fully invested in every aspect of it. I wouldn’t have cared if I never appeared on stage- even while I was just observing and helping, I felt part of that energy. For me, one of the most satisfying parts of life is art. I am never happier than when I am involved in shaping emotion, bearing truth in new ways, and building worlds. And to see every single person so committed to all of these things was so refreshing to me.

I really don’t care how sentimental I sound. After these few months of absolute purpose, creation, and beauty, it would be nothing short of a crime not to make this known to the people who were responsible for it. I want to thank you all for welcoming me so warmly into your family. I love and have so much respect for every single one of you., which isn’t saying nearly enough. I hope this isn’t my last Prenzie experience, whether it be on the stage or behind the scenes.As for tonight, we’re going to give everyone one last glimpse into what we have brought into existence- like stinging bees on hottest summer’s day. And then we will have the memory of an experience that no one can ever take from us.

- Nikki

I was going to write a big long blog entry about how sad I am that this show is over, but I really can’t say it any better than Nikki already did.

This has been one of the best things. There’s no qualifier there. It is just…one of the best things.

And that is all to say about it.

Apr 07 2012
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My Dad.

I’ve got about half an hour before I need to be backstage getting ready for the show, and it is a bittersweet experience. I am pumped for our sold out crowd and successful run (and the cast party!!) but at the same time, I’m…something.

I’m not sad, exactly. “Sad” isn’t the word I want. I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. I almost feel lonely. I’ve been a part of this cast and process (officially) for nearly 6 months now, but even before that, dating Jake means that I was also dating the show, and it became a part of our relationship, and I love that. We, both as a couple and in groups of friends would spend hours talking about ideas and possibilities.  “When we do Titus” became our standard car ride and down time topic, and now…I guess we’re going to have to find something else to talk about.

I’m not worried. Shows come and go, but it is my firm belief that it is the experiences you have in them that makes all of the bullshit worth it– and this astoundingly beautiful experience has been a prime example of what possibilities there are in even the “worst” of scripts.

I also have realized just how exactly much I miss my dad.

Last night my mom came to the show and sat next to a chair that was not yet occupied. Eventually, some person came and sat down next to her and I was mad because he’d taken my dad’s seat. Then I realized that he wasn’t coming.

This show has been weird for me about stuff like that. I’ve tried to play it cool most of the time, but sometimes it just hits me how much of my life my dad won’t get to see.  He saw the possibilities, that’s for sure, and to his credit did everything to foster my interests and abilities, but sometimes it sucks knowing that he never got to see me get paid to write about Star Trek or meet Jake. He’ll never walk me down the aisle or…well, a lot of things I suppose. I feel like I have so much potential, that there are so many things I want to do and see and accomplish and fail at, and I just wish my dad could be here to see…one of them.

I always feel selfish when I write about my dad, because I know that lots of people lose people every day and I know that every loss is just as personal and hurts just as deeply as my loss, but playing Lavinia, in some way, has kind of reminded me what it’s like to have a dad (and I just realized there’s no non-creepy way of saying that) and so I think the end of the show is hitting me particularly hard.

I could do this show forever. I really could. The cast, the script, what we did with the “problem” moments…it’s been phenomenal.

And in the end, I guess all we can say is that we tried–fucking hard–and I think we nailed it.

And that is the best feeling in the world.

Apr 06 2012
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Too Far. (And a Sentimental Thank You).

I love talk-backs. Jake hates them, as do many of my other cast members, but I absolutely love them. I love getting a chance to discuss things with the audience and hearing their opinion, and I love having the chance to share what I do and love from a different perspective.

So far, I think my favorite talk back came from Wednesday night.

During the conversation, one woman raised her hand and commented that she thought that the rape scene goes on for far too long, and that she was uncomfortable and felt awkward and was miffed that we had put her in that position of feeling frightened.

**Caution, this article contains spoilers for those not familiar with the show**.

This fascinated me for several reasons. First, the immediate and visceral reaction that I kept INSIDE MY HEAD (see, I’m learning) was “For fuck’s sake”. But instead, I heard her out, and while I don’t think we convinced her otherwise, it was really interesting getting to hear a dissenting opinion on such a pivotal part of the show.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, as both Lavinia and as a woman.

It’s interesting  that she referred to the scene in question as the “rape scene”, because there actually isn’t one. As the audience, you never actually see Lavinia’s rape. The scene before, (Scene 2.3) where Lavinia is pleading to Tamora and her sons is merely textual buildup for the actual event, but that is all Mr. Billy Shakes– it’s long because that’s how he wrote it. To make Lavinia beg and beg and beg to absolutely no success.

It’s difficult in that scene, as well, because I, Catie, know that I don’t have a chance in hell of getting away, but I can’t let that color my performance or I’d be broadcasting the ending for anyone who doesn’t know the outcome. (It is at this point I should probably go add “spoilers” to the top).  Every night, there is hope. Every night, I see that hope taken away.

In the beginning, there were many people who asked if were going to show the actual rape—other productions have, to mixed effect. There exists on YouTube a pretty hilarious version of Titus that was performed in the style of Grand Guinol, so of course all the hand chopping and tongue cutting was on stage, but to me, personally, it is far, far worse not seeing what happens, because then your imagination is forced to take over. What order did they rape and mutilate her in? How did they do it? We’ve had some awkwardly bizarre conversations during this run, and I know what happens, but it’s not something that I ever share with the audience.

There was also a lot of discussion about the actual physicality and blocking of scene 2.3 being too short or too long. The BBC version of Titus is about 5 minutes of the most stagnant and boring pieces of filmwork ever– when I watched it, Lavinia was so ambivalent to her demise that I was BORED– and the audience should never be bored. We have blocked the scene to be a fairly accurate representation of what Lavinia is going through– I’m trapped and there isn’t much I can do about it but be thrown around and threatened.

We also talked a lot about what do we show and  not show in that scene? There have been about 7 or 8 different inceptions of that scene, all of which contained different acts of violence and violation, but I think that the current, “in show” version of the show does a good job of portraying the violation of Lavinia without being gratuitous for the sake of being shocking or offensive.

The scene is so physically and emotionally draining that I count myself really lucky that I have Andy and Jeb to work with, because they are both willing to take risks but also very polite and respectful of me.There was a point at rehearsal where Jake had to give the note “come on guys, you’re not going to break her”.

It’s also been great because we’ve been able to keep a sense of humor about things, which I think has to happen just to keep us sane as people. There was one night that we decided that one of the brothers should take my panties off. I came prepared with an extra pair on underneath, and we were excited to see how that would read from the audience. So we get to the section of text where we decided it would be easiest to happen and somehow, the underwear got caught on my shoes and I spent an entire speech trying to not look like I was trying to help Chiron take my underwear off. We decided that was probably not the best use of our time, so that was cut. Underwear fail.

At the talk back, I was sitting next to Aaron and we discussed the comments that were made, and we basically have the same view on what happens. Rape is terrible. It’s a terrible, awful violation of a person’s rights and spirit and looking at rape SHOULD make you feel uncomfortable.

It is so interesting to me that the woman who commented found that “feeling something” at a show was WRONG instead of awesome. I was ecstatic that she was uncomfortable, because it meant that our scene is effective in the ways that it should be. (I almost felt bad for her since it seemed the the rest of the cast was in agreement as well.)

When I was researching this role, it was startling and disgusting to me about how many statistics there are about the numbers of people who are raped every day and then forgotten by society.

Rape is a thing that happens every day, to all shapes, sizes and races of women (and men) and it goes on for as long as their rapists want it to– I feel, personally, that not treating that scene with great weight and making it brutal and uncomfortable is doing victims a disservice by glossing over it and making it shiny and happy and great so the audience can be comfortable  is exactly why there are so many silent victims around the world.

It’s easy to turn your head and pretend that it doesn’t happen. It’s easy to ignore the stories of victims from countries you’ve never been to. It’s easy to dismiss the huge numbers in those sad statistics because you don’t have to look anyone in the eye.

At this show you do. And I love that.
And on that note…

THANK YOU.

I just want to say that I have been absolutely astounded beyond belief at the level of support and kindness shown towards me after I posted my last entry. I got so many messages and emails of positive thoughts that I still haven’t had time to personally respond to every single one. I don’t consider myself a role model or someone other people look up to, but I am touched by how many people I have seemingly affected by just being my dorky self.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who read or took the time to comment on my blog. You are all fantastic and have genuinely made me so very, very happy.

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Apr 05 2012
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The Night of Fails and Fats (Or, Fuck the Guy In The Second Row).

Tonight’s audience was a college night crowd, meaning that a generous 62% of them actually wanted to be there– and this was evidenced even more vividly after intermission when I walked back on stage to notice that about 20 audience members had left.

Now, I was of two minds. On the selfish side, I thought to myself “Well, at least they got to see all the good stuff I do”. On the other hand, I thought “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” You’re not going to stay to see Aaron’s brilliant revenge against Chiron and Demetrius, or Jessica rock the shit out of Revenge, or Maggie own the fuck out of wondering what wrongs are being wronged, or Cole’s hilarious Clown or David’s epic last words or Angela’s amazing end speech or Bryan becoming emperor or Cara teaching us all a valuable lesson?

I was hurt on behalf of the cast. And I get it. Hell, I’ve had friends who have done the same thing– Got program to prove they were there, bailed. But seriously. We have all worked so hard to make this show amazing, it was almost insulting to not be able to share that with everyone in attendance.

Then I LOST my costume. I don’t even know how one achieves that, but I had a pretty good panic moment during intermission when I realized I had no idea where my second act costume was. Thankfully it’d just been set in a pile of towels, but there was a moment where I thought I was going to have to run home and find something to wear.

On top of that, tonight seemed to be the night of “oops, the audience got some blood on them”. Normally, this has never been an issue. Somehow, however, (and I will fully admit that I still think this is hilarious) Bobby somehow wound up just chucking his blood pack into the audience and splattering it on the back wall. I think may favorite moment of the show tonight was coming out for the post-show discussion and seeing two big pieces of paper STUCK onto the blood on the wall so as to protect the audience members sitting near by. Thankfully the girl who got the majority of the blood on her was a really good sport.

I also managed to accidentally spit one drop of blood perfectly onto some poor guy in the front row. I think he actually thought it was pretty cool though, so I was happy I didn’t offend anyone.

Speaking of good sports, there are good sports and there there are…not good sports. (And we’re going to get real here, so everyone hang on for the ride). Tonight, after the “reveal” scene of Lavinia, I have a pretty painful (both mentally, physically and literally) moment where I have to crawl my way up onto the big set piece we have. It’s difficult, actually pretty fucking hard to do (one, because I don’t have hands and two, because I have a fucking mouth full of blood at the time) and I have to be acting the entire time as well.

So I’m climbing the set, minding my own business, acting pretty hard (if I do say so myself) and I notice these two guys in the second row kind of snickering. And I think “okay, you know, uncomfortable audience, they’ve probably seen my underwear, ha ha, whatever, moving on”. So I go on with the scene and I try to ignore their disruptive attitude and then it happens.

Right at one of the most important moments of the scene, I hear one guy say to the other “Why is Lavinia fat?’.

Now.

Okay.

I get that I may not be your “typical ingenue”. I get that most Lavinias are tiny little things who can be easily thrown about. I get that I’m…normal sized. I will fully admit that I could stand to lose a few pounds.

But here’s the fucking thing.Actually, a few things.

One. This is in the middle of a GODDAMN FUCKING SHOW. I’m literally a foot and a half away from you. I can hear you breathing, so what part of whispering insulting jokes to your friend in the MIDDLE OF A SCENE is okay?

And then there’s just my confusion about why you needed to address the fact that I am not your ideal beauty in that moment. What part of looking at a bloody and actually bruised girl with no fucking hands and or tongue makes you go “this is sad and all but it would be better if she was a size four?”

And thirdly, and perhaps most importantly. (Again, the get real train is leaving from the station, so get your tickets ready), and I know the person who made the comment would have absolutely no idea about this facet of his comment going in, but I have spent the last eight years in and out of recovery for bulimia. Am I proud of this? No. Do I talk about it much? No.  Am I incredibly proud that I have been practicing “normal” eating patterns and practices for the last eight months without a single issue? Am I happier than I have been in a long, long time? Yes. To both. And then something like this happens. And it would be super fucking easy to go home and binge and purge until I stop feeling upset at one asshole’s opinion. Did I immediately want to? Absolutely.

But what I realized, and no, I’m not trying to get to the “we all learn a valuable lesson” part, but tonight made me realize how proud I am of my recovery and of the support structure that I have surrounded myself with. It hasn’t been easy, and I still have days where I fuck up and weeks where my views on food and my body are less than stellar– but I have been working continuously towards a goal of being able to manage this disease and I think maybe tonight was proof that I can. Kind of.

During the show, when I heard that, I was…devastated. I have worked SO fucking hard on this show. I have lost sleep, skin, blood, tears and a jeans size for this role (the jeans size was kind of an accident) and to have all of that decimated because my ass wasn’t small enough to appease the asshole in the second row upsets me in ways that I cannot accurately express without sounding like a sociopath, so I won’t.

I have a stretch during Act 4 where I have some time to just sit and have my make-up done, and while I was sitting there, I was thinking back to four or so years ago when I had absolutely hit rock bottom in terms of my eating disorder. The sordid details are an entry for another day, but thinking about where I was and how I felt as opposed to how I feel now…it’s like I was a completely different person. I was desperately unhappy, at a totally unhealthy weight, living this horrible life of secrets and lies and barfing in closets so people wouldn’t find out– it was a humiliating and degrading way to live. It took me a really long time to figure out that what I was doing wasn’t the answer to my problems, or even the reason I had problems– and no, my life is still far from perfect, but I cannot begin to express how fucking happy I am nearly every moment of every day, getting to do the things I do with the family that I have built for myself– it’s an incredibly humbling experience to realize how fucking lucky I am every single day.

Even more than that, what I realized is that….I’m PROUD of what I’ve done in this show. I’m proud of the work I’ve put in and the actual scars I’ve earned. I’m proud of the late nights I’ve spent eating burgers with my friends and I have absolutely no regrets. This show has helped me so much in my journey of recovery, and I refuse to let some douchenozzle (who couldn’t even be bothered to stay for the 2nd half) ruin that for me.

Do I still feel like total shit? Absolutely. Do I want to punch things? Yes. Did I for totes eat the hell out of pancakes at Village Inn tonight after the show? Yes, and even though every fiber of my being is telling me to yack them up, I know that it’s not going to change what some asshole said about me, and I would rather be a fat Lavinia in an amazing show with one of the greatest casts I have ever had the opportunity to work with than a skinny…not…Lavinia in a…not… amazing show with a not…incredible cast. .

That was going somewhere. Damn it.

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Apr 02 2012
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The First Weekend.

So the first weekend is finally past, and I must admit that I am incredibly impressed with the consistent level of awesome being put on stage. Not only did we get through four shows in a row, but the matinee was one of our best performances. It’s really great being in a cast that is willing to work–HARD– through bruises, bumps and sleep deprivation to put on such a great show.

Not only that, but we are still continuing to make discoveries and new choices on stage, and for me, that is one of the coolest things about working with this company. It doesn’t matter if there is a sold-out house or just the director giving notes, there is always the option to play and try new things. It is really easy for me to slip into “line readings”, but I’ve never had that problem with this show because the entire cast is committed to making things better every night.

On Sunday, Aaron and I shared a really cool moment on stage– we made nearly the same discovery from our different view points (at the same exact time) in the middle of a scene that I have been working to make more interesting, and I think that our mutual decision in the moment really added to the scene. It also gave us a lot more to play with, and knowing that I could trust everyone else in the scene to roll with our new choice is a really amazing thing for an actor to experience.

I had a night of odd thoughts on stage. Lavinia is a role that requires a lot of commitment in the moment, but sometimes the odd “catie” thought slips by, and last night, during that same scene, I had this sudden thought of “I’m so glad I get to do this”. Backstage, we’ve played “switch the actor”, but I really can’t imagine the show being cast any other way. I love this character and I keep discovering more and more things about her every night, which has been really exciting.

It’s sort of a mental challenge—there is a moment when Chiron and Demetrius throw me back onstage after taking me off and doing terrible things to me, and invariably, about half of the crowd gets to see my underwear. If we’re being honest, by the end, everyone has seen my underwear, but it’s that first “now people can see my ass” that always gets to me.

There is always a sudden moment of “shit, what if I have a wedgie” that happens right before I go on stage, but the sudden-ness of that moment, being thrown down like that and being so exposed and my absolute inability to do anything about it, even as an actor, is something that has been really interesting to get to play with every night. I have seen people look away, shift uncomfortably, blush, giggle—the varied reactions to intense scenes of emotion is really fascinating to watch from the stage.

Every night, reactions are different. There was a beautiful moment on opening night after the entire show had ended and the lights were going down so we could exit, someone just said “wow” from the darkness. I love that.

There have been a few times when I thought that some audience members were going to get up and try to save me themselves. Others look so disinterested in the show as a whole that I want to stop the show and ask them if they have somewhere else that they would rather be.  The hardest thing for me is watching people cry. I have a natural inclination to want to offer help to anyone I see crying, and knowing that I’m partly the reason they’re crying makes me feel guilty but deliciously successful at the same time.

And then, on Sunday, we had a problem that we hadn’t experienced before—someone brought a kid. This is problematic in its own right (please, parents, do research before you bring an 8 year old to Titus Andronicus) but the kid also decided that he needed to use the bathroom—in the middle of the show. This wouldn’t be a problem except we’re doing a show with an exit that leads to the bathrooms, so this kid gets up, walks across the stage, leaves, goes to the bathroom and then, right in the middle of the “reveal” of Lavinia, he starts SINGING IN THE BATHROOM. If I had hands at that moment, I would have face-palmed.

Thankfully, Angela, ever the professional, ignored it (and ignored the kid walking back through the space back to his seat in the middle of her monologue). The family left at intermission, but I felt bad that they stayed that long, since most of the “adult content” happens in the first half. There is also a part of me that wishes they had stayed to see the end result—I feel like they didn’t get the “we all learned a valuable lesson today” message, just the “horrid things happen to people sometimes for no reason” bit.

Our post-show talk back was very well attended on opening night and the audience had a ton of great questions both about the show and just about how the company works. It has been wonderful to be able to get actual feedback from the audience after (and sometimes during) the show. I have noticed that there is a lot of hesitation to talk to me after the show from people who don’t already know me. One person told me that they “almost didn’t want to talk to you  since it seems like you’ve been through enough already”. I wonder if this is the case.

I have never been an actress who needs “approval” to feel like I succeeded, but for some reason, I have found myself wanting to know what the audience and our reviewers think of my performance  much more than in other roles I’ve played. My theory is that I pour so much of energy and emotion into this role every night that I’m physically and mentally exhausted by the end, and knowing that I am affecting the audience in the ways I want is confirmation that my energy is being spent well.

I had a guy come up to me after the show and tell me that “All I wanted to do was give you my coat”. That simple comment meant a lot to me because I feel so particularly vulnerable during much of the second and third act–being so close to the audience means that there is no safety barrier– everyone sees my drooling and my tears and probably the places on my legs I missed shaving, but having the audience that close also means that I can use their energy to propel my performance forward

My favorite comment, across the board, wasn’t said to me, but to Jeb, who is playing Chiron–Some woman came up to Jeb after the show and told him that “what they did to you…was not nearly enough”. Whoa. I love that our show is able to generate that sort of deep emotional response from an audience. (It’s also kind of funny because Jeb is one of the kindest, gentlest people I know!).

There is an incredible scene (and my hands-down favorite) at the end of the show in which I finally get some vengence, and feeling the audience’s energy in that scene is incredible. Watching people’s absolute hatred towards Chiron and Demetrius and their catharsis at watching them punished is almost scary–but also really satisfying.

There was also a moment on Saturday night when, during that scene, suddenly ominous thunder started rumbling from outside–thanks, gods!

In general, I am so absolutely happy with how this show is going. Yes, there is the occasional backstage emergency (last night, we couldn’t find the pie server—gasp!) but across the board, everyone is so invested in the success of this show and so dedicated to giving the audience a unique and challenging theatrical experience that every night I walk (okay, limp) off stage excited to do it again tomorrow.

We have two days (2!!) off and then we start the whole process over again with College Night on Wednesday. Here’s to two days of video games and not a bit of stage blood.

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Apr 01 2012
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10 Observed Truths About Playing Lavinia In Titus Andronicus

1. You will get blood on everything you own, regardless of whether or not it ever actually appears in the show.This includes weird things like shoe laces and bobby pins. Everything should be bought in at least triplicate. Buy extra towels (and make sure they’re dark enough to hide blood stains). 

2. There will be at least one audience member who looks away at the sight of blood and it will be really hard not to fuck with that person later on. 

3. There will also be at least one audience member who laughs uncomfortably during highly dramatic moments. 

4. Sometimes, thunderstorms show up at exactly the right moment to make an already incredible scene nigh on perfect.

5. Afternoon matinees happen.

6. There comes a point where you will start to wonder if you actually do still have hands, and when you finally take off your stumps, there will be a five to ten minute mental adjustment in which you shouldn’t attempt to hold anything.

7. There may come a point where you forget that the people on stage with you aren’t actually your family.

8. Don’t freak out when you suddenly can’t remember your lines in Act 3 and run backstage in a panic to look in your script. You don’t have any lines. 

9. You will be sticky. All the time. You will wake up sticky, you will go to bed sticky and you will spend the in between times trying to figure out why it just keeps happening.

10. There are scrapes and bruises and then there are Act 2 Scene 3 bruises and scrapes. They just FEEL more bad-ass.

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