Being A Superhero (published June 2006)

So the other day my brother and I went to go see X-Men III. It was pretty good, I guess, considering the accidental exclusion of a plot, but it got me thinking. A lot of people have been talking about the hidden political symbolism that is present in the  movie, and about how it raises questions about human rights, ethics, war, poverty and other serious issues. I don’t know about other people, but I know personally I was very moved… All I could think of when I left the theater was “Man! I wish I was a mutant!”
Think about it. How sweet would it be if you could fly, or throw giant fireballs or control minds? And not just the whole superhero aspect of things–it’s the everyday practicalities that I would enjoy! Long line at Starbucks?? No problem! Just levitate everyone out of the way, or make them all forget what they wanted.
Can’t get that grill to light? Blast it with your fireballs. It’d be great on the 4t of July, as well! Tired of your neighbors? Simply make their house fly far, far away! Tired of listening to your sibling’s awful music? “Accidentally” freeze all of their Cds! Having superpowers would make all our lives so much easier.
Not only that, but we could make the world a better place. Being able to pinpoint certain people would finally enable my plan for locking all the stupid people in underground cages to finally come to fruition.
I’m not going to put on any false pretenses–I’d be the worst super hero ever. I am much too lazy and self-motivated to try and do anything that great for humanity. I’d be the superhero who uses the powers of flight to pick up something from the drive-through at McDonalds or the mall during Christmas time, just to avoid parking. My sweet costume would consist of jeans and a musical t-shirt (probably Wicked, because the irony would make me chuckle.), and this is only a public service. No one needs to see me in neon spandex. No one.  I’d save small children and cats from trees, but only if there were cookies in it for me.
And forget any of that crime fighting stuff. I’d much rather sit back and watch the royalties from the Catie action figure roll on in. I’ve always wanted my face on a t-shirt, and now this would be the perfect opportunity. I might even get my own fan club. Sweet.
I’d probably hire on of my brother’s friends as my arch nemesis, just so I wouldn’t have to worry about every actually fighting him. I’d just offer him a Twinkie and things would be cool.
All in all, I think that being a super-hero would be a pretty sweet gig. Especially the whole mind control thing–think about it. For all you know, I could be controlling your mind right now, telling you to buy tickets for George M!, which will be presented by Quad City Music Guild on July 7,8,9, 13, 14, 15, 16, at 7:30 in the Prospect Park Auditorium,to (Call 762-6610 for tickets).
Mwahahahaha!

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One Reply to “Being A Superhero (published June 2006)”

  1. I love it! Nothing wrong with using your powers to get some food at the local drive through. You know how when you finially get finished with that mayo or peanut butter jar, there’s still stuff left in there that you just can’t scrape out really? I want the power of telekinesis, just so I can get every last bit of that stuff out of there using my mind. Think of the money I’d save annually! It might be like… $10 or something! And maybe I’d use my powers to stop the occassional crime, but you wouldn’t catch me in spandex either.

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