Getting Up For School (published 11/20)

Last Friday was apparently the “last straw”. According to my mother, no longer will she yell and flip the lights on and off. Nope. There will be no more cover-pulling or piano-pounding. Nevermore. From now on, I wake up on my own.
And on time. Now, you have to understand—I am a teenager. And as far as I know, it is completely unnatural to ask a teenager to wake up at the crack of dawn and then be expected to take a chemistry test.
I also should tell you that I have the uncanny ability to sleep through my alarm. Every morning. But it’s not my fault-I was just born this way, that’s all. But try explaining what it’s like to be a ‘super-sleeper’ like myself to my mother. She just doesn’t understand. It’s tough, being different. But I get through it.
I thought, for research purposes, I might outline a typical morning at my house, so you can understand how oppressed and misunderstood I am.
6:45. The alarm goes off. I pound the top of it in the hopes of breaking it, and fall back asleep.
7:03. Mom yells. I assure her I’m wide awake and continue sleeping.
7:05. Mom yells again, this time with the threat that next time won’t be as nice. I wake up and tell her so. Then I go back to sleep.
7:08. Mom rips the covers from my bed, offering me a choice: I can wake up or freeze to death. I choose death.
7:10. Mom really means it this time. I explain to her I’m just getting dressed really quietly. I go back to sleep.
7:12. I really do get up. I get dressed and go eat.
7:16. I explain to my mother that teddy grahams really are a part of a balanced breakfast, then ask her to pass the Cheese Whiz.
7:20. I tell my brother to stop playing Halo 2.
7:25. My brother explains that “dude—I only have this one more level to pass and it’s totally sweet because, like, the one guy just died so I have his sword and….”
7:28. I wander outside to chisel the three inches of frost from my windshield.
7:30. I tell my brother he needs to stop playing Halo 2, but “seriously, like, just let me get to a checkpoint, dude”.
7:33. I found I’ve lost my car keys.
7:35. I find them, on the hook in the kitchen. (Since I left them under the coffee table, I’m not sure why they were where they’re supposed to be.)
7:36. We leave for school.
So as you can see, my mom is completely unreasonable.
Okay, maybe not.
But I’m just not a morning person. I hate waking up early. I enjoy sleeping in late. And waking up at 10:30 or 11:00 is NOT sleeping in. I’m talking 1:00 or 2:00 here, folks. PM. That’s how late I sleep.
I’ve never seen a complete Macy’s Parade. (In fact, I can’t remember the last time I actually saw one.) I’ve never seen the Today Show or been up to watch cartoon reruns while I eat my cereal. I’ve seen two sunrises in 17 years, and the only time I hear the birds start to chirp is when I forget to close my windows the night before.
Does this mean I’m missing out? I don’t think so. In fact, I’m considering a lucrative career in mattress testing or pajama modeling.
*Cough. Quad City Music Guild presents “A Christmas Carol” December 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. Call 762-6610 for tickets. Cough.*
So, until the time when I can get up whenever I want, I guess I’ll have to resign myself to getting up early.
But not without a fight.

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