Hypothetically Speaking (Published 10/2006)

So, as most of you know, OJ Simpson decided it would be cool to write a book that set up a few hypothetical situations and then explain what he would have done IF these situations had actually happened. With that in mind, I would like to present my first ever “hypothetical column”, in which I am going to discuss some hypothetically crazy things that I may have done in college. But remember, these are only hypothetical.
If, hypothetically, I had come back to the dorm after fall break and spent the entire night riding down the halls on my roller skates out of sheer boredom,  I might have hypothetically learned that it hurts when you run into the wall.
If, hypothetically, we had transformed the hallway into a giant slip-n-slide, and I had been one of the perpetrators, it would have resulted in an awkward situation when we took it outside and they were having mass in the Chapel (which has large, plate glass windows. Facing our direction).
If, hypothetically I had spent an entire day listening to Christmas songs and making paper snow flakes, it would only have been pathetic when I had to look up how to make them on the internet.
If, hypothetically I had stayed up ‘till 4 AM for three nights in a row playing Guitar Hero 2 at Wal-Mart and then eating at Village Inn, I would have learned that eventually you run out of energy drinks and class is much less fun afterwards.
If, hypothetically I had spent an hour railing about the life size animatronic pony that they now carry at Wal-Mart, (which is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous–in my day, you told your mommy and daddy that you wanted a pony and they chuckled and patted you on the head. They didn’t go to Wal-Mart and buy you one. ) the hour might have ended in a trip to Wal-Mart just to see the pony.
If, hypothetically, I had stayed up until 3 AM the morning of a show because I couldn’t tear myself away from Twister at the cast sleepover, I would have learned that snow isn’t as much fun when it’s really late and you’re really tired.
If, hypothetically, I’d become completely addicted to Grey’s Anatomy because of my suitemates and roommate, I would now consider the question “McDreamy or McSteamy” a serious one.
If, hypothetically, I’d become so completely engrossed in the SAU theatre department that my life seriously revolved around it, I wouldn’t mind at all, because they are some of the nicest people on campus, and throw the best parties as well–or so I’ve been told.
If, hypothetically I spent more time playing Mario Kart than I did doing homework, I would have realized that I have a wicked case of Mario Kart-induced Tourette’s syndrome that I really need to have checked out.
I guess what it comes down to it that I’ve become, hypothetically, happier than I’ve even been. I’ve gotten so much out of just this first semester of college–I can’t wait to see what may or may not happen to me for the rest of my college career.

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