I have an important announcement to make. It is with great humility and respect for this fine country of ours that I happily accept my own personal nomination, for myself, to be President of the United States Of America. We’re not going to mess with tedious elections and party nominations. Straight to the top!
I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided that it’s probably in your—my fellow American’s— best interest to vote for me in the upcoming election. Here’s why.
I ran many committees and meetings in high school, and, as anyone who has ever dealt with high school drama knows, it is far more serious then anything the world stage may have to offer. I also play tons of Sim City.
In addition to my vast experiences in leadership, I am well versed in foreign policy. I feel that any problem can be delt with rationally, civily and with respect. If not, I will merely implement my “Monday Night Pudding Wrestling/Mart Kart Tournament At The United Nations” approach. Loser has to take care of the ozone for a week.
Plus, I am great with dealing with difficult, unpredictable and crazy dictators…I mean, anyone living with my mother would be an expert by now.
I also have a Facebook. That means instead of dealing with the copious chore of digging through my past to find embarrassing and potentially career-ruining photos, I will save the hoards of reporters who will following me energy and fuel emissions by allowing them unlimited access to all of my pictures from freshman year.
I am great with balancing a budget. Okay, that’s a lie, but my dad isn’t really busy these days, and I could totally get him to do it.
Sorry about the lie.
In my America, no child will be left behind, Instead, children will ride the backs of magical winged unicorns to school and delicious cotton candy clouds will rain down sherbet gumdrops into the chocolate rivers. Pants will always be optional and those without shirts or shoes will not be discriminated against when searching for service any longer.
I am a firm believer in helping fix our nation’s problems. Under my reign, I will distribute one free roll of duct tape to every citizen and institute a 10 minute or less wait time on the phone with customer service.
I will lower our nation’s dependency on foreign oil, and instead push for French fry cars, thusly improving the air quality. Because who doesn’t want to live in a country that perpetually smells like French fries? As for gun control, I feel that instead of restricting guns, we can simply compromise, and legalize the right to punch people in the face.
I will do my best to boost our economy by making it Christmas, every day except Tuesdays. Tuesdays are the day after Thanksgiving.
I have already chosen Chuck Norris as my running mate, Batman my Secretary of State and Jesus my co-pilot. I have no illegitimate children, mistresses or interns. I often assist old people in crossing the street, and I kiss babies while shaking hands with people and squeezing firmly but not giving them a “death grip”. I can read, have a valid driver’s license and can honestly name all the past presidents. In song. I look really good standing by a podium and even better in front of a flag. I can wave really, really well. I also look good on t-shirts and coffee mugs. I can nod seriously and use hand gestures for emphasis with great skill.
Vote for me, America.
Please? I don’t want to have to get a real job.