Not Like Me At All

Last night, I mailed out a job application for what would be, essentially, my dream job. What’s brilliant about the whole thing is that it plays directly into my biggest strengths, and every part of me said “Just do it, the worst is that they don’t call you”. So I sent in my cover letter and resume like a boss and now, I wait.

Later last night, I was laying in bed thinking about things, and I had an odd, very honest moment with myself. I realized, suddenly and very simply, that I am not going to be content NOT doing something with Shakespeare.

I live for rehearsals. I absolutely hate our Sunday/Monday/Thursday rehearsal schedule right now because I am painfully antsy and bored on Tuesday, Wenesday, Friday and Saturday waiting for rehearsal to start.

What I realized last night in my moment of self-realization, is that I am happiest when I am at rehearsal. I love working scenes and text and exploring the verse and worrying about props and costumes and posters and all of the rest.

I’ve read a million quotes where famous writers say something along the lines of “don’t be a writer unless you need to from your very soul”, and that is how I feel about what I do.

So now, I have to figure out what to do with that. I know that in the future, this is going to mean hard choices and big-kid decisions that I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make without much soul-searching and much difficultly. My friends are here. My family is here. Jake is here. My home is here. But what I want to do– what I am happiest doing– is not here.

I’m not going to– I can’t– start worrying about this until after the show is over, and even then, I have several months before I’ll be able to make any sort of audition or grad school plans, but I think accepting that it’s okay to want something besides what I have in this moment is okay. It’s okay to want to grow and explore and develop my passions. If that path leads me from the Quad Cities to somewhere else, then it’s a new adventure. If that path keeps me here, then my blessings will be doubled.

However, what it comes down to is that it’s time to start growing up a little. I can’t be afraid of going for what makes me the happiest anymore. Is it a terrifying prospect to imagine leaving everything I’ve known behind to risk everything for a not-so-lucrative career? Yes. But even more terrifying is imagining where I will be in 10 years if I accept the status-quo and live my life easily and comfortably.

I am bigger than that. I am better than that. And I believe that my relationships are strong enough to last through whatever may come along.

 

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