One of the most frustrating things about dating your director is that sometimes, “boyfriend” mode is activated before you’re ready to shut-down “director” mode.

Last night I had a TERRIBLE rehearsal. I came SO determined to work and be amazing and awesome, but the combination of worrying about….everything and, I think, TRYING to be awesome devolved into one magical moment where I had the concious thought “I should probably try not sucking right now”. And, as it seemed, the harder I tried, the more it wasn’t working, so the more I felt like a failure, so the harder I tried….

After rehearsal, Jake told me that, at least for him, that was the first time he’d been uncomfortable during 2.3 (the rape–well, pre-rape scene). I had a moment of

This. This is what my face looked like.

So some of the cast went off for drinks at the Blue Cat while Jake met with our kick-ass AD Steph, and when he came home, I essentially apologized to him for the shit job I’d done.

Which, of course, he refused to accept, being the good boyfriend he is, not wanting to me feel bad, but in that moment, I needed my director to say “hey, I acknowledge that you felt bad about your performance, but I trust you to improve from here”.

Since we’re doing email notes (efficient! timely! awesome!) rather than notes sessions after runs (boring! Long! nap time!) I’m waiting to get my notes from last night, so I will be anxious to see what I will get told to work on.

Woof, though. Having a rehearsal that bad is…frustrating. And terrifying.

But if anything, this process is forcing me to let go of things more than I have have needed to before, and I think that’s good for me as an actor.

We’re running the show off-book on Sunday, so I don’t know how emotionally present we are going to be after the 90th time of asking for lines, but I going to sit down before then and do some real work on both this character and on being present in the scene.


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