Conflicting Emotions

Today is an odd day.

Two of my dear friends are putting their beloved dog to sleep today, and my heart is heavy imagining what their day must be like.

And this morning, I saw one of my best friends from college driving to the theatre where she is rehearsing for her first professional forray into acting, and knowing that she is getting paid to do something she loves (and is great at) makes me so very, very happy for her.

Yesterday was the last day for applications for that Dream Job I mentioned, so knowing that somewhere, someone might be putting my resume on the “keep” pile gives me hope, just as I keep opening my cover letter file to combat my paralyzing fear that they took one look at it and chucked it in the bin.

On top of that, a friend of mine passed word along to someone and I may have a fairly exciting-sounding opportunity coming down the pipe, which could at least get me some great experience if Dream Job doesn’t come through.

I also have no idea of what to think of last night’s rehearsal. I thought it went…okay. I wasn’t fantastically overjoyed with my performance, but I also didn’t feel like Shakespeare was rolling in his grave at my awfulness. We’re to a point now in the rehearsal process where making new choices is absolutely nessessary, but I, personally, am struggling to find fresh ways of looking at scenes. I think it’s because part of me feels like I’ve been in this show for a year, and part of me feels like we had the read through yesterday. I either absolutely know what I am doing with a scene and how, personally, I would like it to work, or, conversely, I feel like throwing up my (metaphorical, I suppose) hands and letting everyone else figure it out. Which makes me a jerk, I know.

I also, apparently, have an incredibly odd need laugh when someone makes intense eye contact with me. I did not know this until last night, but I felt like an absolute asshole when it happened.

It also didn’t help that we discovered that the plumbing in the men’s room had been installed incorrectly. We discovered this when someone stepped in an inch of standing water that had settled all over the carpet. So we spent an hour after rehearsal shop-vaccing poop water and mopping/tearing up carpet. This would happen on the night I didn’t bring shoes. Thankfully, the people who run the building were very understanding, but that was kind of a hilarious/stressful way to end rehearsal. The plumber came this morning, apparently, and I guess everything should be fine now, but I am a worrier, and I am terrified that it’s going to happen during a show.

I think I’m just tired (and the four glasses of friendship wine last night didn’t help) and getting to Thinking Overload in my head. I’ve got so much going on that I’m not sure where one emotion starts and the other one ends. Grargh. I think I just made myself more confused.

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