Why I Suck At Skyrim

So, it finally happened.

After an exhausting “four” month (read: one and a half years prep + 4 months actual rehearsal) process, Titus is finally over and we’re all (slowly) starting to move on with our lives.

Not only has Titus passed, the “Skyrim Ban” has finally lifted.  During the show, a cast-wide embargo on Skyrim was put in place, and I was amazed at how many people actually stuck to their word. We didn’t even have a functioning PlayStation during the run, so not only did we not have access to video games, Netflix was also right out. I feel like it made us more productive, notwithstanding our Godzilla marathon.

We’ve only got one more Godzilla movie to go before we’ve completed the entire Toho Kingdom Compendium of Godzilla Movies. Meaning that Jake is either going to have to propose or break up with me, because we’re either going to never talk about this again or start over so we can start a website and REVIEW ALL THE TOHOS! Including the rare ones that I went through highly-questionable means to get for Jake to complete his collection.

Anyway,this week, Jake finally cracked and bought a new PS3 to replace our dearly departed and picked up a copy of Skyrim to boot. I’ve been watching him play all week, and I’ve tried the game myself, but I’ll be honest and say that I don’t have the personality to deal with it.

Here’s what I figured out.

I get shit done, and I get it done quick. You want a toe? I can get you a toe. You need someone to memorize an entire script by tomorrow afternoon? No worries. Theatre is my job, whether or not it be my “paying” gig of the moment, and I am wired for efficiency. I can’t keep my house or my car clean, but if you forget your blocking, I wrote it down for you, just in case.

This is why I can’t deal with Skyrim. There’s absolutely no efficiency to the process. Jake has been wandering around Mount Doom or whatever for about four hours now and absolutely nothing has happened.

(Jake is insisting here that I tell you that he’s not only killed a Dragon today, but has also killed a Giant and he is only a level 9). So…there’s that.

Now, here, you say “But Catie, you’re clearly just a fan of side scrollers, why don’t you stop whining?” And it’s true– I love me some side scrollers– but Dead Space still remains one of my favorite games. (Although, Dead Space did have the Magic Guiding Light to guide you to your next task…), and I’ve played the hell out of many other free-roam games…I just never finish them. I want there to be an efficiency to my questing.

“But Catie” (you say) “The journey to the end of the quest is what it’s all about!”

My response, of course, would be : Shut up,  nerd. If I have to walk the hell across Skyrim to give some asshole a letter so he can send me right back where I came from so I can go climb a mountain to fight a dragon so I can move on with my quest….he can do it himself. What else is he doing, anyway, besides reciting three arbitrary lines of dialogue every time I bump into him?

Anyway, boyfriend interjections aside, I just don’t get it. The game itself is beautiful. The world is expansive and detailed to a point of ridiculousness. But all I want to do is make friends, and whenever I try to play, people try to stab me in the face with arrows. Plus, I have a guilt complex about killing dragons because I listened to a lot of Peter Paul and Mary as a kid and I feel like they KNOW.

I think a great deal of it has to do with attention span. I am absolutely impatient unless I’m passionate about what I’m waiting for. I’ll go through weeks of rehearsal and dwell on a four-line speech, but give me a controller and an open world with no direct option to get to point B and I will go berserk in 10 minutes. I’ve never finished a Legend of Zelda game. There. I said it. I get about 1/3 of the way through and just get bored. I promised Jake that this summer I would finish Ocarina of Time. I started it last year,but life and shows and not understanding why the
@#$%(*#$$# HORSE WON’T JUST COME OVER HERE got in the way.

I’m determined to finish it. I think it will be a good exercise in patience. And understanding. And not throwing controllers. Not that I’ve done that.

What I need to do is go memorize my lines for Hamlet, but this is so much easier and less Hamlet-y.

I don’t think Hamlet would like Skyrim either. There. I just did character research.


2 Replies to “Why I Suck At Skyrim”

  1. The problem with Skyrim (while I find it incredibly fascinating to play) is that you could never reach the end. I hate point A to point B game narratives (although Portal and Portal 2 are quite fund), so Skyrim is an opportunity to wonder around an imaginary landscape … and kill stuff.

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