Wants

So last night I spent a goodly amount of time perusing the website of the theatre company that I will be auditioning for in about half an hour.

I don’t know what it was– maybe it was the shiny pictures or something, but I had this weird and sudden realization that I WANT this.

Obvious, right?

When I started looking at auditions, I think I went into it with the wrong idea. I had it in my head that to prove myself as an actor, I needed to get the phone call with the offer for the part, or I would be a failure.

What I’ve realized these last couple weeks in preparing, that it’s not about failing or succeeding. It’s in doing.

I sat down to update my resume and I was…impressed with myself. I don’t usually brag, (hell, I’ll sardonically underplay before I brag), but I realized…I might have a shot at this.

The company is looking for actors who have experience in teaching verse and theatre to kids. I knew before I sat down to write that portion of my resume that I had some experience, but until I sat down and looked at the sum total of what I have done in two years– I had no idea.

I have done…so much.

And I guess I just never thought about it. It is amazing how many things accrue to create what I think, at least, is a pretty awesome representation of my belief in sharing Shakespeare wig any poor bastard lucky enough to be in the room with me.

And it’s just something I do. One part of one thing I do. I think it was the realization of HOW much I’ve done, just in this past year, and that is a really cool feeling.

So I’m going to go in there in a little bit and try damn hard not to fuck up. But if I do, even if it all goes to hell and I’m “that girl who came to auditions and sucked majorly”, I’m still really proud of what I’ve done.

And I’m not looking at it like an audition from this point on. What’s the point? This is me, showing the people in that room how much I love Shakespeare, how its changed me and inspired me and basically, without a hint of irony, how Shakespeare has changed my life.

If I can do that, then I am a success.

(Stay tuned for The Duck Story, coming this Saturday).

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