Someone recently suggested that I start collecting my experiences working for Parks and Recreation in one spot, so as to have them easily accessible for reading.
What I’ve decided is that every week, I will write up that week’s winners, for posterity and because it will give me something to do on Fridays and so the writing staff for Parks and Recreation will hire me. Because I would be so good at that job.
The Pregnant Girl:
Me: “Um…can I help you?”
(Girl Sobbing) “I…I…I think I might be pregnant”.
Me: “Ah. Um. Well. This is parks and recreation? Not…you know..the other place you might want to call”.
Girl: NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND I THINK I MIGHT BE PREGNANT AND I WENT DOWN A SLIDE IN THE PARK IN THE RAIN BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND NOW MY BABY WILL BE RETARDED BECAUSE OF YOUR PARK!”.
Me: “….good luck with that?”
The Home-schooled Girl:
Girl: “Um, why is your hair blue?”
Me: “I’m an actor”
Girl: “What type of theatre do you do?”
Me: “Well, I really like Shakespeare”.
Girl: “Oh. What’s Shakes-peare?”.
Me: “…Seriously? like…you know William Shakespeare?”
Me: “Romeo and Juliet? Hamlet? 10 Things I Hate About You?
(blank stare). Girl: “I was homeschooled, and sometimes I don’t think my parents did a very good job”.
(According to her birthday, this girl was 26.). I gave her my copy of Hamlet.
Everything is Better With an Adorable Lisp
(Super, super gay guy): “OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO HELP ME I’M TRAPPED IN THE PARKING GARAGE AND I CAN’T GET OUT”.
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND I’M TRAPPED THERE’S NO WAY OUT THE EXIT IS BLOCKED OH GOD WHAT DO I DO?”
Me: “…Go out the entrance?”
“…Oh. Um, thanks.”
Me: “…No problem. I hate it when that happens”.
“Can you explain why your WEBSITE DOESN’T WORK?”
Me: …well, how are you spelling “Davenport?”
“Um, how its spelled. D-A-V-I-N-P-O-R-T-E”.
Me: “Ah. Well, its actually…”
“THAT DOESN’T MATTER I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET TO THE WEBSITE ANYWAY”.
Me: “you know what, I just found out, we’re just out of internet today. That’s why you can’t get on”.
“oh, okay. Thank you”.
Saint Titus Of Andronicus.
Me: “How can I help you?”
Guy: “Wow, how did you lose your voice? Yelling at your kids?”
Me: “No, I don’t have any kids. I lost it at rehear—”
Guy: “What do you mean, you don’t have kids?
” Me: “(Awkward laugh) Nope! No kids!”
Guy: “Well, how old are you?” Me: “24”.
Guy: “You’re 24 and you don’t have any kids?”
Me: “Not that I know of”.
Guy: “Wow. So what are you even DOING with your life?”
Me: “Um, as I was saying, I lost it at rehearsal.”
Guy: (Snorts) “Rehearsal, for what?”
Me: “Titus Andronicus. It’s a Shakespeare”.
Guy: “…..why?” Me: “Why what?”
Guy: “Why would you need to do that?”
Me: “Why do I need to have kids?”
Guy: “Because it’s your religious duty”.
Me: “Oh, cruel, irreligious piety”.
Me: “Never mind, I just said that to give the Facebook post this is going to be a punchline”.
Guy: “Well, can I at least give you some information about Jesus?”
Me: “Only if I can give you some information on William Shakespeare. And Saint Titus. Of Andronicus”.
Me: “So, this is your rental form, and if you have any questions, here is the number to call”.
Guy: “You are really attractive”.
Me: “Thank you?”.
Guy: “No, I mean, you’re REALLY attractive”.
Guy: “What are you doing tomorrow? I am going to take you to lunch”.
Me: “Well, I’m kind of working, plus my boyfriend might be mad”.
Guy: “What about dinner?”
Me: “Sorry, I have rehearsal. And a boyfriend. Plus, I only accept steak dinners from strangers”.
Guy: “I think I could handle a steak dinner with a beautiful woman. Well, I’ll give you some time to think about it. I’ll come back tomorrow”.
Reign of Idiots:
Guy comes in: “Hey. It’s raining”.
Me: “Sure is!”
Guy: “I want my money back”.
Me: “Your money back? Sir, the park is free, and you haven’t been in the conservatory so you wouldn’t have had to pay anything”. Guy:”Oh yeah. Never mind. I forgot parks are free now”.
“How was that Tights Android show this weekend? You’re in that, right?”
Me: “…Tights Android?”
“You know, the poster with all the blood on it”.
Me: “OH!!! It went well. Thank you”.
“Who’s that by again?”
Me: “William Shakespeare?”
“Huh. I thought he died. learn something new every day, I guess. Well, have a good day”.
Me: “…you too”.
Mom 1: “I’m sorry, Jake can’t come to Ashton’s birthday party this weekend”.
Mom 2: “That’s too bad, is he feeling okay?”
Mom 1: “Oh he’s fine, I just caught him taking drugs in Skyrim again.”
So today this old guy comes in pushing an even older man in a wheelchair. I greet both of them, and the older guy gestures for the other guy to lean down so he can whisper in his ear. The younger of the two leans in, listens, awkwardly clears his throat and says: “My dad wants me to tell you that he was in the Navy during WWII, and apparently, you look just like the pin-up that he had hanging in his bunk during his tour of duty”. I laughed, thanked him for his service, and I finished their reservation, and as they were leaving, the father turned back to me, winked, and gave me the “right finger going through the circle of left ring finger and thumb” signal. I didn’t know what to do so I gave him a thumbs up for being so awesome.
No, I’m Not
(In the middle of a reservation with this really cute old lady)–
Old Lady: “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be forward, but do you happen to be one of those lesbians like they call them?”
Me: “…No, ma’am, can’t say that I am, why?”
Old Lady: “I just think you’re adorable”.
Me: “Well…thank you, ma’am”
(After I print her receipt and she is headed out the door)– “You’re sure you’re not one of those lesbians?”
Me: “Ma’am, I think my boyfriend would be upset if I was”.
Old Lady: “What a shame. I just want to take you home and snuggle you”.
Me: “…You have a great day, ma’am”.
Old Lady: “Oh, I will. I’m going to spend it thinking about you” **WINKS**.
The Grass Guy:
Guy on Phone: I WANT TO KNOW WHY NO ONE HAS CUT MY GRASS”.
Me: “…excuse me?”
Guy: “WHY HASN’T ANYONE CUT MY GRASS?”
Me: “Um, because as a homeowner you are responsible for your own yard?”
Guy: “DON’T LIE TO ME. EVERY YEAR, SOMEONE COMES TO MOW MY YARD”.
Me: “…let me check on that sir”*I check*. “Sir, it looks like every year, you are fined and the city comes to forcibly mow your lawn because it is in violation of city ordinance”.
Guy: “RIGHT! SO WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO MOW MY YARD?”
Me: “Well, have you gotten your ticket yet?”
Guy: “…no, my lawn isn’t high enough yet”.
Me: “Okay, well, let it grow for a few more days and I’m sure someone will come by to fine you and give you a ticket before the end of the month”.
Guy: “Great! Thank you so much for your help!”
Me: “Parks and Rec, how can I help you?”
Guy: “Hi, I’m trying to get a hold of the River Bandits and I can’t find their number”.
Me: “Okay, sir, well we are Davenport Parks and Rec–”
Guy: “I know, I just thought you might be able to help me”.
Me: “Um, well I can google that for you”.
Guy: “You do that”.
Me: “….Okay, so I found that online for you, and the phone number is (blah blah blah)”
Guy: “Just so you know, that was really rude”.
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Guy: “That was rude. Telling me that you’re not affiliated with the River Bandits. If I wanted to look up the number I would do it myself. Next time, just shut up and give me the number”.
Me: “…..my apologies, sir”.
411 Part 2
Me: “Parks and Rec, how can I help you?”
Guy: “You better be able to. I’ve been trying to find Lake Storey all day and I have NO IDEA why YOU PEOPLE have such TERRIBLE INFORMATION!!”
Me: “Sir, are you referring to the Lake Storey in Galesburg?”
Guy: “YES THAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING?”
Me: “Sir, this is Davenport, Iowa.”
Me: “Sir, Galesburg, Illinois, is a completely different city. However, I did google their Chamber of Commerce and I would be happy to give you that number”
Guy: “…WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
Me: “Sir, Galesburg is a different town. And state”.
Guy:”…don’t lie, how did you get their number if you don’t work for them?”
Guy: “You’re telling me that in the time it took you to answer the phone AND listen to my question, you were able to find that phone number?”
Me: “…That is exactly what happened, yes”.
Guy: “You expect me to believe that?”
Me: “Believe what, sir?”
Guy: “That you just HAPPENED to FIND the RIGHT phone number in 30 seconds after you searched the ENTIRE INTERNET?”
Me:”…so do you want the number, sir?”
Guy: “NO! How do I know it’s even correct if you’re just making numbers up at random?”
Me: “A valid point, sir. A valid point”.
Your Face Is A Waste Of Time
(So the customer I dealing with mentioned that she was renting out the Stern Center for her wedding.)
Me: “Oh, cool, my theatre company just did a show there, it’s a great space”.
Lady: “What kind of theatre company?
Me:” “We’re a not-for-profit verse theatre”.
Lady: “What’s that mean?”
Me: “We do like, Shakespeare and Greek Tragedy”.
Lady: “Prove it”.
Lady: “You’re just making it up, aren’t you? You don’t actually know anything about (finger quotes) “Shakespeare”.
Me: “Um…To be or not to be, that is the question, whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer….but soft you now, the sweet Ophelia!”. Lady: “….Whatever. It’s not like that was hard. Plays are a waste of time.”
Me: “Have a great day, ma’am”.