Before we get to this week’s winner, here are a few recaps from the week.
#3 Right, but who’s on first?
Me: Okay, I’ll need to see your ID.
Guy: You need to see my ID?
Me: Yes, I need to see your ID.
Guy: My ID?
Me: Yes, your ID.
Guy: So you need to see my ID.
Me: Yes, I’m going to need to see your ID?
Guy: My ID, right?
Me: Yes. Your ID. Driver’s license, passport whatever.
Guy: Wait, I thought you needed my ID.
Me: Right. I need to see your ID.
Guy: But you just said my driver’s license.
Me: That is an ID. I just need to make sure you are who you say you are.
Guy: So why did you say you needed my ID?
Me: …Because I need to see your ID!!
Guy: Oh, so you need to see my ID?
Me: Yes! I need to see your ID!!
Guy: My ID?
Me: I NEED. TO SEE. YOUR ID.
Guy: Ohhhhh my ID. I thought you said something else.
#2 I’m Just Joking.
Me: “So, here is your receipt…”
Woman: **grabs my arm**. “Oh my goodness, sweetie, how did you get this scar?”
(It should be noted that unless you spend like, 5 minutes staring at my hand, there is no way you would notice it. I have NO idea how she even saw it).
Me: Oh, that one? I got cut by a sword.
Woman: “that’s so funny, is that what you tell people so you don’t have to explain *whispers* the accident?”
Me: “No, legitimately, that’s what happened. I didn’t know a sword had been sharpened and I grabbed it wrong, and someone pulled it out of my hand.”
Woman: “Honey, it’s okay. You don’t have to lie”.
Guy behind her in line: “That’s awesome”.
**The woman leaves. The guy behind her steps up**
Guy: “Okay, but really, how did you get it?”
Me: “Well, my father was a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he went off crazier than usual…”
#1 What’s cooler than cool?
Lady: “So I read in the paper that there is going to be a new ice rink in Moline…are you guys worried about the competition?”.
(I look it up).
Me: “Well, it looks like it’s going to be an outdoor rink, so no”.
Lady: “Why not?”
Me: “Well, our rink works all year round, so I feel like that will be more of a Christmas-y type activity, like at Central Park”.
Lady: “Right, but they’re brand new!”
Me: “Yeah, but we’re open year round”.
Lady: “Well, wouldn’t THEY be up year round?”
Me: “….it’s an outdoor rink”. (Blank stare) ” It’s outside. The rink. Is outside”.
Lady:”Oh, so they probably couldn’t air condition it?”
Me: “Probably not, ma’am”.
And now for this week’s (previously unpublished) winner:
On Wednesday, this tiny, wizened old black man came into my office. He had this really unique, kind of slurred, raspy voice and he wanted to know about the pavilions along the riverfront.
Old Man: ‘Scuse me, miss, but can you tell me about those gazebos down there?
So I explain the rental policy for them and how much they cost.
Old Man: Oh, so they’re gonna cost me some money then?
Me: Yeah, I hate that, don’t you?
Old Man: I sure do. Tell me, miss, do you got any tents?
Me: Well, we don’t really have any tents, but we do have a tent space. You would have to provide your own tent, but–
Old Man: Well hot damn, tell me about those.
I go through all of the tent space rental info with him.
Old Man: So what you’re saying is that I got two options.
Me: Actually, I’ll just make this easier for you, let me show you the page in our catalog where all of the rental information is located.
I do so.
Old Man: Tell me, miss, about that tent space. How much is it again?
I explain the tent space again. By this point, I’m really starting the like the guy, he’s really sweet and I can tell he’s a little confused, but I go through the whole thing again. By now, I’ve been talking to him for about 15 minutes.
Old Man: Now, what’s your policy on meetings?
Me: Generally, meetings are allowed, but if it’s going to be a large rally or something like that, it does need to get per-approved before the rental will be confirmed.
Old Man: Well, I’m wanting to hold a REVIVAL MEETING!
Me: Okay, cool, well, revival meetings are one of the events that do require pre-approval, so I can give you…
Old Man: Pre-Approval? We gots to be pre-approved to save folks from Satan?
Me: Yes, I’m sorry, but it is just city policy, since they are usually well-attended events, we like to make sure there is enough staff on hand to accommodate—
Old Man: But what if we don’t get approved?
Me: Well, honestly, most of the time it’s just a formality to make sure that our facilities manager knows that the space will be–
Old Man: BUT HOW WE GONNA SAVE PEOPLE FROM SATAN?
Me: Well, let me give you this special use permit, you can fill it out and bring it back on down, and I am sure our facilities manager will take a look and let you know as soon as possible.
Old Man: Oh, I see, she’s gotta know about it?
Me: Exactly. Thank you for understanding.
Old Man: Well, I wouldn’t want demons runnin’ all over my park, either?
Old Man: Well, we’re gonna be exorcising demons! Demons! Get em! Get em out!
The guy starts dancing around, waving his hands in the air, clapping, slapping his knee and singing a song that goes something like this:
Get ’em on out!
Get ’em on out, lord
Get those demons outta me!
Get ’em on out!
Oh Lord, Lord lord of mine
Gotta get ’em on out!
Me: ….So anyway, if you want to just fill out that permit….
Old Man: Why yes ma’am I will fill that permit out! I’ll bring it on back to you later on next week.
Me: That will be just fine, sir.
Old Man: You gonna come to the revival meeting? To (sings again) get those demons on out!
Me: Oh, um, I dunno, maybe I will try to make it—
Old Man: You got one of them blue hair demons all in ya!
Old Man: Nah, I’m just kidding. You’re to pretty to have a demon in you. You have a blessed day and Jesus bless you.
Me: Sir, you have a great day.
The old guy turns around, starts dancing again, does a little dance in the lobby and sings a spiritual all the way out the door.