The Spring Is Wound Up Tight.

Tonight I cast the show.

It was a weird, weird thing, to stare a legal pad for 40 minutes, going “what if….what if….what if….”, agonizing over possibilities and match-ups and knowing that no matter what, at the end of the night, I was going to have to make a choice.

That was when I realized that really, that’s what I’ve been dreading all along. That moment. That absolute moment where I had to make the choice, say “yes” to one and “no” to the other and that was it, that was my choice and my decision and now, the consequences fall on my head, for good or for worse, this is what I choose.

….said the girl directing ANTIGONE.

I’ll let you roll your eyes at the irony of that for a minute.

I’m excited. I’m excited, and I’m nervous and I’m happy and I’m…many things.

It feels real now. I know who is going to flesh out this world that I’ve been seeing in my mind and I know what I need to do to get them there– and it will be a challenge. 9 incredibly talented actors coming together over a show. Some are brand new to the company, others are veterans– and me, in the middle, holding everything together.

It’s funny, too, calling people for roles. I am so chill when I get called being offered a role: “of course, hey, thanks, cool, I’ll talk to you later”, and then I do a little dance, invisible to the director on the other end of the line, but man, as the director, it’s a weird experience getting that response. …Don’t….don’t you want to be in my play? Ha. Maybe I’m just needy.

Added bonus: Jake pulled it out in a major way at auditions and he got the role he wanted. I’m really, really proud of him, but at the same time, I’m nervous. I’m excited that I get to work with him from both an artistic and from a relationship-preserving aspect (there is nothing shittier for only one half of a theatre-couple to be involved in a show) but it’s going to be an interesting time, I think.

It’s going to be weird, directing Jake. Jake managed it really well during Titus for me, but this is another sort of role– Lavinia didn’t talk (much)– Creon talks through the entire damn play. There might be nights where I have to be a hard ass, where I need to critique and criticize and probably yell a lot in the interest of getting what I want out of my actor– and then I have to be able to take off my director hat and go home and be in a relationship with him.

It’s going to be a challenge. I see, in my mind, what this show can be, what this show has the potential to be– and now it’s up to me to get it there. I’m up for it, I think, but at the same time, it’s daunting.

I’m ready for it. I think I’ve been ready for it for awhile, and now, after this rush to get the show cast and everything, now I sit and wait for two months. It will give me time to prepare and time to get everything in order for when rehearsals do actually start, but man, this is going to be a long two months.

Of course, I do have an entirely different show that goes up in two weeks. That we haven’t rehearsed since last year.

I love the theatre.

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